In My Depressive Episode, I Played Mobile Games.
It's been approximately a month since the straw broke the camel's back, and now he lays there in bed, playing Fruit Ninja.
The doctors said it could be the doomscrolling, it could be the news--it's definitely the news. Well, there goes my years of being an activist, and God,I have to do this for a living. Having my girlfriend there helps, a source of chatter while I load up Block Blast. I love you. I love you too. I should be doing more. I haven't brushed my teeth in two days. I love you too. I can't be faltering when the community needs me. I'm sorry. How many days has it been since I talked to someone who wasn't her or the closest available person in my proximity when she's not there? I need to get it together. I should redownload Subway Surfers. I can dip my face in ice water and feel nothing. I can watch the skin unravel from my hand and not even flinch.
They say the first thing to go is your personal hygiene. The Lexapro isn't doing anything. Nor is the Remeron. It takes weeks, even months for antidepressants to work. I know. I have a text from a friend from a month ago asking me for a simple favor that I haven't responded to. I have thirty texts I haven't responded to. I don't think I can make it to the hangout. Do you think I can play Paper.io on mobile. I should read a book. I bought a pretty journal and never managed to write down anything in it. I should be writing up journalist op-eds. I should be writing essays. I'm tired. I'm sad but it's kind of like an in-the-back-of-my-mind sad so I can deal with it. I don't want to talk to you. Please don't make me talk to you. I don’t want to play anything that takes up brain power anymore. Required criteria: Markedly diminished interest/pleasure in all (or almost all) activities most of the day, nearly everyday; may be subjective or observed by others.
I’ve been on a horror kick lately. I’ve been on a mobile game grind lately. It’s kind of funny how much easier horror games get when you aren’t really scared anymore. Except that I’m scared all the time. I have too many tabs open on my computer. Something horrible is going to happen. If I lay down in the forest I won’t be able to see the sun through the thick leaves. If I lay down I can see the trees growing so high beyond the end of my vision it concentrates into one vanishing point. If I reach my hand high enough maybe the black hole at the end of the universe will take me with it. Maybe I need to drink water. Maybe I need to go to bed. I don’t remember being this bad at Piano Tiles.